My foolish and extremely rash decision to jump off the ledge of my house to fetch the keys of my door which I had inadvertently locked inside with me outside cost me an arm and a leg and one too many dear days on bed, not to mention the sympathies of near and dear which although did a great deal to move my spirits northwards, also tremendously dented my spirits and caused my self-esteem to plummet southwards.
It was the first time ever in life that I ended up with fractured bones, not one, not two but three and those in multiple places. Some experiences are a little too costly on the wallet and the person, I then realized. Among the other things that this ‘accident’ caused was a long lapse in my working schedule which in-absentia was blown beyond proportion. So finally when I returned to work after what seemed a long winter spell, I realized that my role was effectively trimmed and customized to accommodate the ‘weakling’ that I had been perceived on account of my physical condition. Negative and diminutive as this may sound to any person reading, this is the true reflection of how I felt and was treated by folks, colleagues and friends alike. They say freedom and acts of freedom have a price to pay. I had not yet realized the very sinister truth behind these so called assumptive statements. However, what is true here is true everywhere I once read and I slowly began to realize the life of a castaway who was fighting for very dear existence while being trampled over and over again.
Life itself can be very definite in its existence. Some folks quip that it is to be taken in a stride that befits positive spirit and action. True to the last word, I agree. However, it takes more than just courage and daring effort to stave off every single day that strikes into one’s spirit like an arrow tipped in the worst toxin designed solely to exterminate the will of free living.
Life had moved on in a much calmer pace and I sought solace in my true companions – books! While friends and folks rendered unending support, I being the overbearing demander, longed for more and took to books and chanced upon the bestseller – The Road not taken, which lay the founding steps to change my life.
Officially, things were taking a more serious turn. A windfall change was happening in the leadership of the organization that I was part of and I saw my bosses, one after the other quit for greener pastures. Being a reportee down the order in hierarchy is perhaps the most comforting according to many a management guru, however, it does have its own demerits since once is forced to be restricted in a silo role and the scheme of reporting that until now was built along the lines of familiarity and understanding was slowly seeping downward and I felt high and dry in unsheltered waters. New friends, bright ideas and increasing fluid-like situations came and passed by the day, bringing about experiences that were unknown and unseen until the time. Turbulence increased and I sought to ease the pain of loneliness by taking on volumes and volumes of books. Among the titles that I stuck to during those times were Russia’s War by Richard Overy, The Fountainhead & Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, Dracula by Bram Stalker, Jonathan Livingstone Seagull by Richard Bach, The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig, 48 laws of power by Robert Greene, My Life by Bill Clinton and my most favorite of all – The Theory of Everything by Stephen Hawking (Whom I regard as the Father of Time).
Suddenly music and reading became heightened activities like never before and I locked myself into my own little space of the self plodding through time and books for answers of a mystery that I thought was brewing in every single day of my life.
And then there was Fester, a little baby squirrel which a friend of mine had stumbled upon close to his home, which we raised until it found time right to reclaim independence and move on in life, thankfully. I vividly remembered Neo, my first squirrel pet in Kannur, Kerala in the year 2001. Memories came flashing back and forth to me and I stood transfixed at the sheer number of coincidences that kept occurring in my life. I cannot of course state each and every one of them here for paucity of space and time and of course for the ‘fact of the matter’ that they will seem boorish and stupid to many a reader.
While I expected a bed of roses to come by with each passing day, it was exactly the opposite that I got – a bunch of hardbound and unbreakable thorns that sewed right into the mind and the spirit. I wondered aloud as to why calamities by the dozen occurred only to me and yet I was foolish not to know that these calamities could have been as a result of my actions and none whatsoever! So when I was diagnosed with Dengue fever and admitted to hospital (once again, not surprisingly), my friends shared the burden and insulated me from further damage especially since my folks were blissfully unaware of the ongoing chaos.
This had taken an immense toll on my person but strangely gave me enough gusto and confidence to move on. What more can a man lose? Life? Oh! I had more than once come to the point of no return (PONR as I fondly call it), and it no longer mattered to me to sulk and worry over the loss of life as much as it caused me concern to repair and remake a better life that I truly needed to life, if not for anything but for the sake of ‘folks and friends’ who cared so much for the living!
After what seemed a huge and uphill battle (which I had many a times lost, sitting just on a park bench ☻), on the 29th October 2007, I tendered my resignation to the organization that I was working for and decided to move ahead in life.
It was for the first time that I realized the world outside and what it felt to be jobless, penniless and aimless. Broken in spirit, body and mind, I lost no determination and continued to pursue opportunities with a renewed sense of realism which was neither built on the foundations of optimism or pessimism, but on the reality of pragmatism.
A visit to
It was more to do about mind over matter and I seemed to remember every single day of the past, useless and foolish as it may seem to many. However, the only intention of me traveling this long road was to seek a true measure of peace that I believed I needed.
Life suddenly changed and I know not for what, but I experienced a great deal of bitterness and distrust and aggressive retaliation from forces I had not known.
People had stopped seeing the real me (perhaps because I never presented an opportunity to them to see the real me). And then I questioned reality, which I soon realized was the worst thing any living being could do. It delved me deeper into the self and I assumed the role of an anomaly that was created for a right purpose.
On certain day I remember a trip to
A friend warned me of life not being the way we wanted it to be and told me that things could go gravely wrong. He pointed a very concerted yet cynical view of how things could change. And change life did, in its worst ever form that I had ever chanced to encounter. I assumed a stage of total and absolute lockdown and concentrated on strengthening the mind. Strangely, events around the world seemed out of place and exaggerated in one form or the other. It was as if some ominous truth was being concealed from me every single moment. In parallel, I realized that I was no significant person or being to whom the world would need to conceal the truth from and it did not matter to anyone what I did or not for I stood to benefit or detriment none whosoever. Days and nights faded in thought and people I knew stayed far and far away maintaining very little contact (for reasons they knew better).
For solace, I took to watching the sky and talking to birds and animals (strange it may seem) and no sooner had I begun to do so, I was labeled psychotic and deranged (neither of which was true in even its least measure.) I took a fervent liking for deciphering numbers and the way they interacted with our day to day lives and found it was easier to communicate to the unknown than the known. Sometimes I stood wondering what I had stumbled upon but gained composure immediately and understood that the ‘self’ was a source of great inspiration and despair alike.
I caught up with old friends and acquaintances with the same good gesture that I always did and still saw no reciprocity of good gesture. It was as if people were scared of an element in me. And then it suddenly dawned on me the burden of having been an open book.
I longed to break convention and become free. But freedom, it seems, has a heavy price to pay even for the one who has earned it reasonably hard enough.
I decided that the best course of action was to stand still and involve myself in my passion of music and meditation even though I was considered a lunatic for all the actions that I had not done.
Toward the end of the year, when the world was rejoicing the advent of a New Year and a season of joy and happiness, I found myself surrounded in doubt and seventh heaven at the same time. Suddenly I felt that everything was a possibility. I dreamt of the moon, stars and the wide open sky and was time and again grounded to the reality of being on Earth!
It slowly dawned on me that I had no right to even dream and that dreams are just about a manifestation of assumed reality or whatever that may seem to mean.
Days before the New Year struck, the murky and ongoing mystery deepened and I was hurriedly shipped homeward to my Parents.
I had expected a light of joy on meeting them, but found none whatsoever. It was homecoming two long years later. I was regarded panicky, selfish, depressive, antagonizing and highly negative and was dispatched to consult a physician who recommended that I be administered anti-depressants and relaxants, so for the first time ever, I found myself being controlled by forces apart from within myself and my will to be free.
I realized that I had a great burden upon myself to prove that I was normal, but I had in no true sense or measure become abnormal in the first place.
What then had changed? What was it that I was in pursuit of? What had I longed to do best in my life? What had I centralized life upon?
All of these questions had only one answer and that answer is Peace & Happiness! A true and lastingly absolute measure of it! Simplicity in life was what I had desired for along with a measure of comfort, security and peace couple with a grand measure of responsible freedom, to do what is right, to feel strong, confident and more importantly myself.
I know not how and when this supposed mystery (if any) would end………… but I knew one thing for sure; This New Year E did not equal to MC^2, gravity was not reversed and trust is something I lost for a lifetime!
Strange it may seem, isn’t it? Welcome to life!
PS: Through this post, I seek no vendetta or ill-will, but desire that people be united in their cause to do good and be themselves for times to come! Furthermore, it is requested that this not be viewed as a measure of settling scores